It’s a pretty good movie, and I do recommend it if you’re single and looking for something light-hearted. I actually paused the movie halfway through to write this blog post as a few of the characters are writers. I was reminded that I am a writer as well. “I am, too, but I haven’t written a blog post in a while,” I thought before I ended up at my desk.

So here we go.

I haven’t written in a while because I feel unsure about what to write when it comes to the third guy I saw as a potential husband. Let’s just say being single isn’t always easy, and online dating isn’t either.

I sometimes wonder if these dating apps like Tinder and Bumble are ruining our lives. People can be so rude on them … and they create this notion of never-ending choice. Is it even possible for people who use these apps for a number of years to be in committed relationships anymore?

But let me tell you about potential husband # 3, and this one really wasn’t black and white.

We met on Tinder … his bio said, “let’s hang out” and in one of his photos he was sitting on a grey sofa with his arms around what looked to be a white miniature poodle. You know one of those cute, curly haired fur balls with super bright eyes. I’m not gonna lie: the photo melted my heart. He looks fun, I thought, and swiped right.

We meet for a drink a few days later and I really enjoy chatting with him. I find out that he’s a manager and that he’s been single for a few months, just like me. He likes to work out and does boxing. He also likes fine food and wine and knows about sooo many good restaurants.

Over the next while … month and a half or so … we go on a number of dates and, like I predicted from his photos, our time together is fun for the most part. He introduces me to some amazing restaurants—his treat!

On date five I go to his apartment. As soon as I step in the door, I notice a happy photo of him and a pretty girl, who definitely looks like an ex, on one of his living-room shelves. I ask him about that, and he suggests we talk about it over dinner. Of course, I say.

He cooks me the most amazing salmon on a bed of creamy mashed potatoes surrounded by cherry tomatoes and garlic. Absolutely divine. I bring the wine, a sparkling rosé from France’s Saumur region in the Loire Valley. The pinkish colour pairs perfectly with his amazing salmon dish.

Wow, he’s such a good cook, I think to myself as I savour every bite. His cooking skills were pretty darn impressive. “So, should we talk about the photo?” he eventually asks.

“Sure,” I say, trying not to devourer one of the most delicious, tender salmon filets I’ve ever tasted too quickly.

I learn that the woman in the photo is, like I guessed, a past girlfriend, and that she unfortunately took her own life. As he tells me the devastating story, I learn more about him and admire who he is … how he still makes room for her in his life and genuinely cared for her (they weren’t together when she made that choice). I see his heart … I see that he’s a well meaning, compassionate person who really did want to help her.

I also wonder if he’s truly over her, but maybe given the circumstances, that’s not something he’ll ever “be over”. And why do we always want people to “be over” their exes, I ponder to myself. Is that even possible? 

We all have a past.

After a few more pleasant dates, I went abroad for a few weeks. By then I kind of knew that our very short-lived relationship was nothing more than a fun fling. And one of the reasons I’ve been putting off writing this post of is because there was nothing glaring about him per-say that made me come to that decision.

He was super sweet—he took me out to many nice restaurants, paid all the time and treated me pretty well (like a lady, as some would say ). He was a bit of an aggressive driver, but I think he could have changed that.

This one was more a feeling I had when I was with him. I didn’t feel like he “got me” at times when I spoke; it almost felt like we were from different worlds (and we kind of were, having grown up in different countries). I didn’t feel fully understood when we chatted. I just couldn’t picture our lives meshing because of how different we were.

So this is the story of potential husband number # 3, a not-so-straightforward one for sure. Sometimes the decision of whether or not to be with someone is not easy. While someone may seem to have all or most of the aspects you’re looking for, it’s also super super important to feel good around them and understood as well—am I right?

So I trusted my gut feeling with this one, as we always should.

Now back to The Holiday … 

Wishing you a fabulous Christmas

xx

Becca

Sometimes we never receive closure or a clear explanation as to why a relationship was ended. But either way, there is no point ruminating on the past and, simply put, feeling bad.

Not long after my last relationship ended, I had a friend over for a glass of wine and some nibbles and she gave me some really good advice. As we sat on my couch together, she could see that I was still feeling sad about my past relationship.

“Hunny,” she said in her strong Turkish accent. “Do you want to know one simple trick to forget about him forever?” she asked as she set her Pinot-Grigio-filled wine glass down on the coffee table.

“What’s that?” I asked. She had my attention like someone about to tell me that my favourite makeup line was 50% off.

“You have to think that he’s already married. Every time he pops into your head, you need to think: he’s married,” she told me, slowly flipping her hand back as if to show something was gone.

I let that sink in for a few seconds.

“For all I know he could already be married,” I said to her with a slight giggle.

“Exactly dear, he’s married,” she replied with a reassuring look. “That’s all you need to know.”

Although it did somewhat sadden me at first to think of him married, I could definitely see where she was coming from.

By thinking your ex is married, you accept to yourself that he is pretty much off the market, that there is no future between the two of you at all, and that things are truly over. No more wondering if they might reach out, no more wondering who they may be dating or what they’re up to. They’re already hitched and that’s the end of that.

Done and dusted.

I have to say my friend’s advice worked. It helped me to move on and feel less sad about the whole situation. Every time mon ex popped into my mind, I would think he’s married. It helped me to stop thinking about him all together, which is something you eventually need to do when you’re trying to get over someone.

Breakups are not easy and moving on can take time. Be kind to yourself and focus on what makes you happy and brings you joy. You may discover things about yourself that you weren’t aware of before. With time, you will start to see things in a new light.

Apart from this simple trick, what also worked for me was getting out of the house, keeping active and trying my best to stay positive, even in the midst of a global pandemic.

What about you: do you have a technique that helped you to move on from someone?

Until next time,

xx

Becca

It looks like he likes the outdoors, and he’s sitting with a pint in two out of five of his pics, so he must like beer as well.

He looks fun overall, so I swipe right.

After some messaging back and forth, we decide to meet up and go for drinks. He compliments me right away: “You look great,” he says. I blush and say thank you.

It’s not too often that a guy compliments you right away; in my experience, most of them are too shy to do so.

The first date goes pretty well until about the third — and final — drink in. I notice that he’s starting to make jokes about women here and there. “But that’s you women in general: you’re fussy,” he says to me when I tell him I can be choosy when it comes to restaurants.

Our conversation somehow turns to US politics, and I quickly discover he definitely wouldn’t have been a Hilary supporter, that’s for sure. “She wasn’t fit for it, she didn’t have the stamina,” he says.

I remind him that Hilary Clinton is actually younger than Donald Trump, and ask him if he thinks that because she’s a woman.

“Of course,” he says with a laugh as he takes a sip from his pint glass.

OMG, he sounds just like Donald Trump, I think to myself in disbelief.

On my way home I ponder our conversation. Hey, we can disagree on politics, and I definitely don’t like what he said about Hilary or some of the jokes he made, he did go a bit too far I think to myself, but maybe he is a nice guy. 

He sends a text a few days later asking me to meet for dinner. “Apologies for winding you up a bit, I get like that after a drink,” he writes. “Normally I’m quite a nice guy ”.

I decide to meet up with him again, and this time we go out for pizza at a low-key Italian restaurant. Who doesn’t love a good pizza?

The conversation is going pretty well, he’s pretty fun to talk to again. I find out that he has two brothers and that his mom is a single mom. He tells me he also owns a house in England that he rents out.

Well, that’s a plus, I think to myself.

Our delicious looking pizzas arrive and our conversation turns to shows on Netflix. He asks me what I’m currently watching. I tell him that I’m currently into the Real Housewives, and he rolls his eyes. “You women are what’s wrong with the world,” he replies, shaking his head a bit and sharply squinting his green eyes.

I just about choke on my bite of pizza …

Excuse me: it’s date two and he’s already openly criticizing all women like that? Did I hear that right?

Oh you did, Becca, he just said women are the source of the world’s entire problems. Don’t second guess yourself.

“Whoa, what are you talking about?” I answer with a disgusted and shocked look on my face that I just couldn’t hold back.

He had just offended my entire gender, after all, and me in the process.

And then he said what often comes out when some people realize that they’ve gone too far and offended someone: “I was only joking,” he attempted to assure me.

“I don’t think you were,” I say. As if a statement like that could be a joke… this guy sounded like a woman-hater, and a future gaslighter to boot!

I kept my cool, finished my artichoke pizza and Italian Dolcetto and motioned to the waiter for the bill.

“Did you want to grab another drink somewhere?” he asks while putting his wallet back in his jean shorts’ pocket.

“No,” I say, telling him I have to be up early tomorrow, which wasn’t true at all.

We say goodbye and part ways, with me knowing that I definitely won’t see him again. His comments that he would later call “jokes” just weren’t sitting right with me. I started to wonder what he would eventually say about me if we were together for a while. He’d likely end up telling me that I was what’s wrong with the world.

Well, he already had!

So potential husband number two after the ex is a short story, ladies. I will not stand for blatantly sexist comments and woman-hating at all.

He also threw it out there that he thinks all nurses are crazy, which really made me wonder (1) how many he had dated to really think that? and (2) if he thinks all women of a certain profession are ‘crazy’, he’s not too far off from thinking all women are so, too?

I just didn’t want to know.

As difficult as this experience was, I realized that I have a potentially good jerk detector on hand, though: by bringing up Real Housewives on a date, I can potentially determine what a guy thinks about women. If he right away criticizes the women on the show without even having seen it (and especially women in general!), I’ll know he’s not worth my time!

Such jerk detectors can probably save us a lot of time and trouble.

I’m off to watch an episode of Real Housewives, I hope it’s not too crazy

xx

Becca

Something I’ve always wanted to do is get out on more boats myself. This could be someone interesting I could do that with … I think to myself.

It says he’s my age in his bio, but in his photos, he looks older than me. Maybe it’s stress of some kind? Or perhaps he’s older IRL (in real life)? Who knows.

It also says he’s lived in the Middle East – Bahrain. I look that up (sorry Bahrainis) and find out it’s close to Qatar, a small coastal country that seems like Dubai. How exotic, I think.

I swipe right.

We match, and he messages shortly after with a very simple “Hey, how’s it going? ” message. I answer him not long after, and he soon asks me if I’d like to meet for a coffee/ drink.

I agree, and a few days later we’re sitting across from each other sipping on cocktails, an Aperol Spritz for me and a Cuba Libre for him (it was after 7 pm, and I do my best to stick to my ‘no coffee after 5 pm’ rule).

Like his profile, he seems pretty mature (tick) and he’s pretty easy and pleasant to talk to (another tick). He tells me what he does for a living, how long he’s been single and online dating for, where he’s from … about his dog who passed away not too long ago. “Oh yes, you had a picture of him in your bio,” I recall.

“I put that there as a tribute to him,” he says. How sweet, I think.

After quite an enjoyable first rendezvous, I was quite excited when he asked to have dinner a few days later. He went all out and reserved a table for us with an incredible sea view as well.

As I headed home though, after date number two, something struck me: I knew how many siblings he had, what his parents did for work, how old they were, where they lived, about his nephews, his sister, and what countries he’d lived in, that he liked comedy, even though it’s “sexist” (yup, major eye roll). But he knew none of that about me – he just didn’t ask questions to find out that info as we chatted over pasta, Italian Pinot Grigio and fresh sea air.

He’s pretty nice though, so I’ll see him again and just see how it goes, I thought to myself.

After our fourth date, he left to go visit his family to celebrate his birthday for a week. I wasn’t sure how communication would go while he was away, but I thought this could be an opportunity to get to know him in a different way. I was also hoping we’d even take the texting up a level and have an actual phone call. Do people even do that anymore?

A few days after he’d been away, he texts me a bunch of pictures from his day on the golf course, followed by a “Hope you’re good ” text.

We texted back and forth a bit, about a few messages a day from there.

Towards the end of the week, he sends me a selfie of him with a simple “Hi” text and asks to have a phone call. I suggest a time. He doesn’t answer … “Sorry I got tied up doing a couple of things here!” he writes two hours after the suggested time.

What?

Couldn’t he have written that before? And why didn’t he ask if another time works for the call?

I then started scrolling through our messages and realized that he hadn’t asked me a single question while he was away. I looked more closely at our conversation. There it was, written before me in the form of WhatsApp messages.

I had asked him a number of questions – how his birthday was, if he was enjoying spending time away, if he was working remotely whilst there, if his days were going well…

He, on the other hand, had asked me a BIG FAT ZERO questions.

OK, he pretty much stood me up for a phone call he asked me to have, and also didn’t really seem to care how my week was going at all.

I then thought about how I’d feel going home after our dates – like I knew much more about him then he did about me. It all felt too strange, and I started to wonder why that was, and why he had just skirted around having a phone call with me.

Is he self-centered? Just wanting to get laid? Socially awkward maybe? Or maybe he just didn’t care – he certainly didn’t care enough to ask much about me, I pondered.

… all I know is: I want my man to be interested in getting to know me and show genuine interest in how I’m doing. I really don’t think that’s too much to ask much for!

Do you??

So I told him we’re likely better off as friends. He asked why (finally a question), and I was honest and said it didn’t feel like we were connecting all that well, and that I would have liked more questions from him.

He replied saying he had had a busy week … you know, that oh-so-famous “too busy” excuse.

(because sending a quick “how are you doing” text takes all of 30 seconds, right?)

I didn’t buy it, not for a second. I want a man that I know cares about me, and also one that makes time to chat with me if we can’t see each other in person. I also want someone who is interested in getting to know me and does not just talk about themselves (narcissist alert?). So, while he may have been fun, pretty mature and adventurous, this guy just wasn’t for me.

A few days later, I  booked a few boat trips with friends.

And the swiping continues…

xx

Becca